What My Depression Feels Like

Sometimes it feels like I’m living behind a screen that prevents me from being a part of the life I’m living.  I can see where I’m supposed to laugh and smile and converse and engage and I do, because it’s what is expected of me, but not to the point where I’m truly present.

Sometimes it feels like if I spend just a few more dollars of money that I shouldn’t be spending, then I will feel complete and validated and accomplished.

Sometimes it feels like laying down in bed is my only option for the day.  I’ll forget to eat.  I’ll binge-watch whatever.  Take several naps.  And then stay up later than I should.

Sometimes it feels like the hardest thing in the world would be to get up and fold my laundry.  Or take out the trash.  Or return books to the library on time.  Or pick up the phone and make a doctor appointment.  So I don’t.

Sometimes it feels like too much if I start writing something that seems “too true.”  I get too exhausted to finish whatever I’m writing.  There are 17 unfinished song lyrics sitting on my desk at the moment.

Sometimes it feels like thinking about reaching out to friends to organize a night out, but then I don’t because I worry what will happen if no one shows up and I’ll realize that I’m just not a draw.

Sometimes it feels like turning down invitations to go out because I don’t have the strength at the moment to fake a smile and I don’t want to burden anyone with anything too heavy.

Sometimes it feels like people can see straight through me and they don’t like what they see.

Sometimes it feels like just a regular day, but I’m .02 seconds behind everyone else.

Sometimes it feels like not being able to connect to the things I love like Improv or an Alanis concert, and this feels horrible because those are the things that are usually what will help me out of a funk.

Sometimes it feels like looking in a mirror and being sorely disappointed that *this* is what I look like and wanting to get in better shape but instead I’ll drive past the gym to get to McDonalds.

Sometimes it feels like I shouldn’t take any initiative to change my life because if I do, I know that I will fail, and that’ll be proof positive that I’m unworthy.

Sometimes it feels like missing someone to share the good moments with.

Sometimes it feels like I’ve been crying all day even though I haven’t had a good cry in months.

Sometimes it feels like…

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